Ani Khodaverdiananikhodaverdian@ucla.edu
Many times I find myself at this familiar, yet bizarre, place in my life.
It is a place I can almost always count on ending, yet it does not give me any kind of security or comfort. This is because the place I am in now, and have found myself in before, is one of uncertainty and expected imbalance.
It is a place I can almost always count on ending, yet it does not give me any kind of security or comfort. This is because the place I am in now, and have found myself in before, is one of uncertainty and expected imbalance.
Few times in my life have I reached points where I have felt happy with all aspects of any given situation. Whether with friends, family, or my romantic life, rarely have all three been simultaneously favorable to me.
What I find most puzzling, however, is the timing of it all. Every event/person/thing that has made a turn in the road of my life has happened at the most unexpected and illogical moment.
Happiness and sadness have come and gone in the most unexplainable patterns in my life that I have now come upon a current (and perhaps temporary) conclusion. This is to stop expecting any kind of logical progression of life. I have learned that life is fragile and death is closer than we would like to believe.
Happiness and sadness have come and gone in the most unexplainable patterns in my life that I have now come upon a current (and perhaps temporary) conclusion. This is to stop expecting any kind of logical progression of life. I have learned that life is fragile and death is closer than we would like to believe.
Friendships are very easily made and just as easily broken. People who matter to me are a rare find, and for some reason, a group of them tends to stick around, while a romantic partner seems impossible to find.
But could this all be due to circumstance? I find it a bitter reality that I really do not have control over the people I am around and the people I am able to love. Any of my loved ones could pass at any moment. Any one of my friends could move to the other end of the earth tomorrow... so what am I left with?
When everything seems to be going right, all of a sudden it tumbles down into one big pile of unreasonable yet "expected unexpectedness". It is an eerie feeling that I hope I do not encounter many more times in my life. It does show the validity in my atheistic and existential view; still, it does not comfort me.
So what now? Do I go on in this life expecting, nothing? Why do we try to systematize our lives if they are so unpredictable? Why do we set ourselves up for failure every moment, trying to plan ahead what we have no control over? Or so it seems.
Life is one paradox after another, passing me by as I count the loops I fall into.
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