In order to inflict less pain upon your fellow human beings, please consider the following list:
1. Don’t cry to me about how you are fat, and then go eat a ton of ice cream and fatty food an hour later, and get defensive about it when you get asked “weren’t you trying to lose weight?” If it’s not someone’s business, don’t go crying to them about it. Nobody gives a shit.
2. No matter how many times you ask me the same question, I will not change my answer. Just because youhave been brought up to say “No” at least the first five times someone asks you if you’re hungry, and then the sixth time say “alright, I guess” because you think you’re being “proper” doesn’t mean I’m going to pull the same shit on you. This isn’t Tehran, or wherever that horrible custom was created. Don’t tarof with me. If I ask you if you want something, and you say “No” I’m not going to ask again. I mean honestly, what are you trying to prove? All you’re doing is making a 10 second exchange of words turn into a five minute argument, and making everybody frustrated. Try to give direct answers for a change. You might actually get somewhere in life.
3. The fact that you’re saying completely bitchy things doesn’t change just because of your “sweet”/fake tone of voice, or your statement, “I don’t want to sound bitchy, but...” You do, indeed, sound bitchy. So either admit that you’re being a bitch and stand by your words, or don’t say anything at all. You can’t be a nice bitch, so stop trying (by the way, I totally have more respect for actual bitches who speak their minds without trying to apologize for the shit they’re about to say...I mean, at least be honest).
4. If your shoes are hurting your feet, then don’t wear them! Nobody cares! If you know that one pair of shoes always makes your feet hurt, do everyone around you a favor and don’t wear them, because we did nothing to deserve your nonstop complaining. Whose fault is it that your feet hurt? Your own. So just suck it up, and don’t wear those shoes again. Stop killing the mood for everyone else. Take your “beauty is pain” bullshit, and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
5. Don’t be nice to people because it’s “useful” to you at the moment. And don’t act like you miss someone when you haven’t talked to them for over five months. It doesn’t matter how big of a scene you cause, or how loudly you say “Oh my God! I like miss your life!” in front of everyone watching. Everyone knows it’s bullshit, and nobody cares.
Here are some things you should do:
1. Chill the fuck out. The world will never come to an end because of one of your personal problems, so don’t act like it will. All that does is make people want to kick you in the face.
2. Stop asking if you look fat. If you’re unhappy with your weight/appearance do something about it. Stop looking for people who lie to you in order to make you feel good. I’m sure it really doesn’t make you feel any better anyway.
3. Stop yelling. If this means you need to smoke some weed or lock yourself up in your room, then that’s what you have to do. I don’t care if you tell me that you “always talk like this”...it doesn’t change the fact that I want to shoot you. Seriously.
4. Try to use some logic/reasoning skills. For the love of God, think about what you’re about to say/do and ask yourself, “is this purely an emotionally driven thing, or does it actually kind of make sense?” You have no idea how much easier your life is going to get. Just try it. Please! I guarantee that the complaining you do on a daily basis will automatically be cut in half. Thanks Bitches!!
Sincerely,
By ANI KHODAVERDIAN
anikhodaverdian@ucla.edu
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