Dear Diary

By Anonymous

Dear diary,

Today I couldn’t help but to wonder where my life is going! A few years ago I was on top of the world, so motivated, so happy, and so excited to move forward. I had the map of my life drawn in front of me, so beautiful! But now, I’m in my early 20’s and I am feeling down. I feel so lost and helpless. I think I have lost my confidence from within and I am afraid to show it and seek help. I am too proud to show weakness; I am the strong one, I solve my own problems, I deal with it myself because I am capable of it. How can I show me falling back while I have always been the crying shoulder for others?

Career or Love? I do not know which one is real and which will make me happy anymore. When I was much younger, I had decided to marry at the age of 30 because first, I must built a strong career; second, I must declare my independence; and third, gain success before building a family. And I had decided to choose a husband who holds an equivalent (or even higher) position in his life. I wanted the picture-perfect image of that successful couple.

That plan is more like a fairy tale now. I have been seeking for that so-called thing called love. I have been through them all, the ultimate gangster, the forbidden “odar”, the fober-ish hardworking boy ready for marriage, the bad boy with tattoos who is on his path to becoming a doctor, the ten out of ten scaled youngster, and many more.

Yet, I am still single. I have been hurt and I have been the heartbreaker. Every relationship somehow ends up going down the drain. Maybe it’s our fault; maybe we have really high standards or maybe we should never let go of our guards. Maybe as we girls mature into women, the boys still, unfortunately, remain boys. I have no intention of stepping all over the male species, but I’d just like to throw this question out there: WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN???

As I take my baby-steps towards that ideal future, I keep failing as I keep on falling. Med-school, Student Loans, ex-boyfriends, and sleepless nights - it just seems so impossible and far away. Maybe I should just give up and find Mr. Rich rather than Mr. Right (haha, just kidding)! I am trying to ponder as to how I can be the good loving mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and a successful surgeon. Maybe I am superwoman in training!

I must say with pride that after every fall, I get up and take another step. Slowly but surely, I move forward; I cannot go any other direction. I am young, I am healthy, and I have the PERFECT imperfect family and friends that I love, and of course, my laptop. I have so much to be grateful for and no matter where life takes me, I will always be ME, and that’s something that no one can take away from me. I have learned that ups, downs, fears, and doubts are all a part of life and I am finally living. After all, Bon Jovi says, “doubting is believing.”