Letter Response (Spring 08)

Dear Osheen Abram(i/y)an,

I was so disgusted after reading your article on your ‘ideal girl’ in the last issue that after I rinsed the bad taste you left in my mouth (that, and the 10 packs of Zankou Chicken’s garlic paste) out with Listerine, I had to use an entire bottle of Proactiv Renewing Cleaner to keep from breaking out worse than a severely freckled baby with psoriasis. Armenian guys like you are pigs. Patriarchy? The only thing you rule over is your collection of pointy shoes and the wool sweater you are forced to wear in the middle of July. For your information, I’m an undergrad not as a backup. I want to be a pharmacist, so I can be the support system in case my boyfriend’s cell phone business can’t pay for our Benz, his all-Armani Exchange wardrobe, and my Louis Vuitton bags. And here is a polysyllabic word that you should try and pronounce: misogynist.

As a liberal-minded female Armenian college student who wants to maintain her culture without restricting herself to the traditional limitations imposed on women, I don’t see what the big deal is about your so called "V-card". If you want a girl who is "clean" until the holy Karmir Khndzor, then I want a guy who is equally clean. Why can you roll down Glenoaks, sounding your train horn and spitting on car windows of girls who ignore you like a pigeon who swallowed a pound of Ex-lax while I cannot smile at my classmate across the room? Don’t get me wrong I don’t believe in sleeping with someone until after I’m married – I’m not a slut or anything like that.
But what’s the harm in flirtation? Just because I make eye contact with someone other than my boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m going to go suck his face off the next second. Guys like you need to give us our breathing room, or we might just suffocate from the smell of Drakkar Noir and Parliament cigarettes.

If I want to wear something other than a turtleneck, I should be able to without you staring me down all night for showing my neckline. God forbid I show a collarbone, or you would probably have an aneurism out of anger. I like to keep my relationships exciting, so if once in a blue moon I start the conversation, don’t be offended, it’s just me being sexy.

But despite all this, I keep my morals. When I go dancing at the club, I’m more than happy to accept free drinks, and if you’re cute, MAYBE a smile as I’m dancing with my girlfriends, but get within 3 feet of me on the dance floor and I’ll cringe in revolt. I’ll venture out to the Hookah lounge if I’m feeling naughty, but I’ll stick to the fries while my looser girlfriends puff away. And a guy with better shaped eyebrows than me – definite turn off.

So, I was originally going to have my boyfriend get your screen name off Facebook and cuss you out every time you signed on, but then I saw your picture, and you’re definitely a cutie. My number is (818) 555-3212 if you’re still looking for that Ivanhoe ;].

Sincerely,
Armenouhi Hayastanian
tavoundjian@ucla.edu